Transcript From Bali: Albo Takes Dictation From Xi.
Using advanced technology, we had a "dragonfly on the wall" during the meeting between Albo and Xi. What follows is an edited transcript to take out the communist jargon and other boring bits.
15 Nov 2022
How we got the transcript:
Our fly on the wall was equipped with a transmitter device and sent the dictation to our smartphone, using the “secret squirrel” app. The electronic dragonfly was bought online from Amazon for $19.99 plus postage. Security teams were looking for something much more sophisticated, so they overlooked our amateur efforts, hiding in plain sight.
The meeting lasted three hours, but the substantive elements are below. It seems short because we edited out the communist jargon and the boring bits.
Xi: Sit down Scott and take notes.
Albo: Hi, my names Albo.
Xi: Did I give you permission to speak, Scott ?
We have fourteen demands and counting. You have failed to progress despite winning an election with our help through WeChat and other Chinese language media half a year ago. Sure those Teals were a bigger factor but we helped them help you and we could help more. You don’t want to be stuck with bourgeois democracy forever do you ?
Albo: Huh ?
Xi: Let’s get this Party started.
Foreign Investment Decisions:
Decide in our favour, give us the inside running. Do it. Don’t talk about the past, just next time, wave things through.
Huawei and ZTE banned from 5G:
Make some exceptions, then make some more. Don’t talk about it at all, to the media or to other nations leaders. Just quietly erode the ban until it is out of the news cycle. How can we help you if we don’t know what is going on ? It is in your interests to let us monitor communications within Australia.
Albo: yeah but…..
Xi cuts him off.
Xi: Foreign Interference Legislation:
There are two angles to this, one is repeated minor legislative amendments until it has no effect.
The other is enforcement. As people retire, you can replace them with people who have correct thinking. For example Geoff Raby could run ASIO, James Laurenson could run higher education related organisations that implement and enforce foreign interference legislation decisions. They understand the main melody1 and how to stick to it. They do not need direct instruction from us, although our Ambassador is willing to help out if required.
Albo: Yeah good comrades those.
Xi: Politicisation and Stigmatisation of Normal Exchanges Between China and Australia, stop it.
Albo: like what ?
Xi: If we want your scientific academic research, give it to us. If we want to use academic exchanges in the social sciences to promote the CCP narrative, well, we can tell our story well2, best.
So when in doubt, do nothing. You need more Confucius Institutes and they need to run anything China related in all your schools and universities. United Front organisations are the true representatives of all Chinese in any social or professional setting.
Albo: got it, just give me a minute to jot this all down.
Xi: Independent Inquiry Into Covid
Albo: (sitting upright excitedly) We won’t call for another one of those, honest!
Xi: No you miss my point, you must now call for an international independent inquiry into Covid -19 and how it escaped from Fort Detrick3. This is part of demonstrating your independent foreign policy. We will coach you through this.
Albo: Oh…
Xi: Wanton Interference In China’s Internal Affairs:
Albo: I don’t think we have actually “interfered” in China’s internal affairs….
Xi: (getting angry, cutting Albo off) Expressing an opinion on anything to do with China, unless it follows the main line, is unacceptable. If we need you to express an opinion, we will tell you what to say.
Albo: but…
Xi: Just ask your mate Dan Andrews, he uses exactly the right vocabulary4 to translate effectively back into the Peoples Daily, he knows how it is done. He is a model Australian politician.
Albo: Yeah, Dan’s a mate..
Xi: Australia Was The First Non-Littoral Country To Make A Statement On The South China Sea To The United Nations:
Albo: Yeah, about our ship visits to the South China Sea…
Xi: (Red in the face) (cuts Albo off) China is a big country5 and other countries are not. That’s all there is. Don't Say We Didn't Warn You !6
Albo: sigh…
Xi: Siding With The US And Spreading Disinformation About China’s Efforts Of Containing Covid - 19:
Albo: I don’t think we actually spread disinformation….
Xi: Well it’s time you tried. Fort Detrick, Fort Detrick, Fort Detrick……
Xi: Legislation To Stop States Undermining Federal policy, eg Halting The Victorian BRI Agreement:
Albo: That was the other guys. Dan was doing his best. We can just ignore this legislation.
Xi: water it down, gradually dissolve it. But we’ll meet you halfway and let you simply ignore it for the time being. Just never use it.
Albo: Got it. It’s extra work for us anyway.
Xi: ASPI Funding: just cut it.
Albo: I understand your concern, but won’t that just push them to rely on military companies and funding from other countries ?
Xi: Dummy. I didn’t mean cut their budget, cut them out of existence. Close them. It’s not like the Australian Universities we control would employ them. It was the last safe place for dissent. Kill it. Silence these people.
Albo: I’ll get on to it. I don’t read much so I’m not sure who they are.
Xi: Dawn Searches Of Chinese Journalists Homes.
Chinese journalists are very hard working and need to sleep in sometimes. In addition to journalism, they write special reports for us that don’t get published but that we value a lot. They also provide important political guidance to Australian politicians and others in positions of influence.
Albo: Ok, we won’t wake them up till after 9 am.
Xi: You dipstick ! Let the sleepers sleep ! don’t interrupt their valuable work. It mostly benefits the ALP anyway.
Xi: Cyber Attacks:
DO NOT attribute these to us. It will not stop us from doing it. If you get out of line, we will conduct cyber attacks to punish you. Simple, do as you are told. Don’t say we are not willing to meet you half way.
Besides, many cyber activities are not “attacks” to cause damage. We just have deficiencies in our databases that need to be filled in through access to yours. We just want information. If you don’t make a fuss, no-one will know, at least not until we use the information for something.
Albo: OK. We’ll just keep it quiet then.
Xi: Where were we up to (glances at his Huawei phone) ah yes, MPs Criticise The CCP which is by definition racism. Stop it.
Albo: I can’t actually control my MPs or limit what whey say. I can ask nicely. Then there are MPs in other parties, who I really don’t have much influence over.
Xi: How long are you going to put up with this bourgeois democracy bullshit !
Inside your party you can make it clear that criticising China is the way to never get promoted.
Outside your party you can attack opposition MP's for undermining your work on the relationship, acting tough, or if all else fails, just call them racist. That seems to still work.
If government employees talk about “drums of war”7 shining attention on our military activities and intentions, make it clear this is the way to end up back in the registry at Braddon8.
Albo: I don’t think anyone in public life is on record as saying anything racist…
Xi: Anti CCP is Anti China is Racist.
Albo: Sorry, I forgot.
Xi: You need to stop Unfriendly Reporting On China By The Media.
Albo: We have freedom of the press in Australia.
Xi: Rubbish, think harder. ABC and SBS are owned by the government.
Albo: (scratching his ear in a Hawke-esque kind of a way) yeah, but….
Xi continues:
Replace key leadership with China Friendly media players. Put Laura Tingle in charge of the ABC and Mary Kostakidis in charge of SBS. Get John Menadue to supervise both organisations print news.
Get the new leadership to hire journalists and editorial staff who comprehend the main melody and sing a happy tune. Give Hazza Harding his own show, enter him for the Eurovision song competition, get creative !
Kick out Birtles and those guys, we will let ABC have a journalist in China if they know how to tell the story well. How hard is that ?
Commercial media enterprises rely on advertising. State and Federal governments have huge advertising budgets. Give their shareholders a few hints !
You make the media laws and regulations. Threaten to make some the media don’t like, then hint that they need to do their bit to improve the China relationship. It’ll take time, but together we can nudge them in the right direction.
Needless to say, hands off WeChat, Weibo, TikTok. You can use these if you behave yourself, we’ll make sure no one can use them to criticise you if you play ball. Look what happened to that Scott person.9 We can move the dial on marginal electorates, and our power will grow if the number of Chinese migrants rises or Tik Tok further erodes YouTube. You will benefit if you play your cards right.
Albo: Right. That is something to look forward to.
Xi: You are a smart lad. Under China Strategy, using China Wisdom, you can play your role in Building A Community Of Shared Destiny10.
Albo: So about trade and freeing Cheng Lei and getting Vicky Xu a boyfriend and other stuff….
Xi: I need to take a dump. Bring in the next leader of some inconsequential country.
Albo: Justin Trudeau is just outside.
Xi: Ha !
The following notes often reference Chinese language source materials. You should learn Chinese, but in the meantime, built-in translation in most browsers should give you a surprisingly good feel for what is being discussed in China.
主旋律 zhǔ xúan lù main melody - main political line of the CCP
Chinese official media and spokesfolk (Zhao Li Jian et al) have repeatedly, seriously, attempted to create a narrative around Covid - 19 spreading from Fort Detrick in the USA.
Linguistic analysis section, “Beginners Guide to Shill-spotting”
Yang Jie Chi already explained this.
This phrase goes back to to the Sino Indian dispute 1967, or before
(Home Affairs Secretary) Mike Pezzulo told Australians that the drums of war were beating….. because they actually are and we might like to be informed.
The best way to join the public service is on a graduate programme. There are many people, however, who started careers in the ACT vehicle registry and worked their way up. We are not suggesting this is Mike Pezzulo’s actual career progression. Or where he would actually end up if Labor sideline him going forward.
Scott Morrison had a WeChat message addressing China / Australia related issues deleted by WeChat censors. Note in this SBS news link, the message in Chinese is shown but not in a way that it is legible and can be read by someone who can recognise Chinese characters. SBS self - censorship ? Later WeChat cancelled Morrisons “channel”.
国际人士高度评价中国共产党积极推动构建人类命运共同体 (International people highly praised the Communist Party of China for actively promoting the construction of a community with a shared future for mankind). This headline is from a recent article in cn.chinadiplomacy.org.cn that references China Strategy (中国方案）China Wisdom （中国智慧）and the construction of a community of shared destiny (构建人类命运共同体), (also embraced by former Penny Wong adviser Alan Behm Beginners Guide to Shill-spotting). Use of these phrases by foreign friends to show subservience is valued for propaganda purposes within Chinese media, primarily for the Chinese audience.