Australia Must Face Facts In The Chinese Century
Welcome our new satirical column, Pervy Titillations, by 赖瑞青 (Larrikin), this week featuring prose pilfered from a boomer CCP simp.
Welcome to the inaugural piece for our new column, Pervy Titillations, featuring leaked or hacked draft articles, jottings and incoherent ravings from the superannuated Australian diplomats, academics and government ministers who comprise today’s “Beijing Whisperer” mob. Today's column is ripped from the unprotected hard drive of a former diplomat and boomer CCP simp whom we will call Rob Gravy. Thanks Rob. We'll be posting more from him as he makes his screeds available to us.
Australia Must Face Facts In The Chinese Century
By Rob Gravy
Many people look back on their boarding school life with fondness, and appreciation for its character-forming discipline. So do I. I remember the spacious playing fields, the sporting traditions, and the fierce competition between junior boys for morsels of cake thrown from the prefects’ table. But I recall also what happened to those who didn’t know their place. The boys who didn’t show deference, who lacked respect, who were dispatched to the prefects’ study for some vigorous buggery with a broken bottle.
In all this I see a metaphor for Australia’s relationship with China. We must compete for access to its markets, to be sure. But there will be immense benefit for those who show deference and respect - and excruciating pain and degradation for those who don’t. This is what the ancient Chinese meant by 霸道, “the way of harmony”.1 So let me explain to you what my forty years of experience with China, and my twelve years of boarding school can teach us about our relationship with a rising China under Xi Jinping.
While our government postures and talks tough to China, we must realize we can’t count on our allies when China punishes us – and punishes us vigorously. Certainly not on the Quad, and not on the United States. They’re all in it for themselves with China, and we’re on our own. But should the United States call on us for aid if China invades Taiwan – and yes, I realize Taiwan has done very well under the KMT, but there’s no denying China’s sacred claims – we must prioritize our own interests and stay out of it. As I remember having to do that time the head prefect grabbed a first year boy during prep and2 . Certainly, we must also build a coalition of like-minded partner nations to push back against China’s excesses rather than stick out our necks on our own. This should all make perfect sense.
Now I know what all those hawkish panda-bashers, renegade Chinese and sniveling undergraduate “activists” will say. And yes, there are appalling human rights abuses, the internment camps in the Xinjiang badlands, the terrible business in Hong Kong, the threats to Taiwan, the trade coercion against us. But China is a constrained power, prone to frustration and paranoia - much like the prefects at my school afflicted with meth psychosis, lashing out homicidally at the junior boys. Like them, it must be placated. Adopting this course of action is what the ancient Chinese meant by 小人道, the way of the wise man3.
Let me conclude with these thoughts. There can be no uncoupling, no diversifying away from our $150 billion trade with China. That’s not just what my squillionaire mining mates will tell you, it’s reality. So let’s knuckle down, do what it takes to keep the cash flowing and pack off the nay-sayers to the prefects’ study.
Till next time,
赖瑞青 (Larrikin)
No it doesn’t
The sentence breaks off at this point, thankfully
Got this one wrong too.